by Khari D. Hawke
“Yo I aint gay man” Terrell just blurted out of no where while we were laying in the bed.
I was silent, I didn’t know what to say…I mean I can understand where he’s coming from when I first really started fighting it myself. It takes me back to when I jacked off for the first time of my life and actually busted a nutt. It was crazy and it felt so good that it almost hurt. See I’ve always been an extremely explosive nutt buster since I started. I can still shoot across a room now if I’m hard enough! But I started off just jackin my dick for no reason…not even thinking about anyone or anything but just enjoying the feeling. Then I started putting faces and body parts to it and I remember the first time I beat my shit to a guy. It felt soooooooo good and I came soooooooo much that it blew my mind! But when I finished I felt so bad that I was thinking about another nigga. I remember saying why me and this aint me and all that kind of shit. It really hurt me to think that I would be an outkast and I would be that one that everybody talked about and laughed at and talked about. Even having all of those thoughts in my head it got to the point that I couldn’t finish a jack session unless I ended it with the thought of me and another dude together. I eventually accepted it and then embraced it and I noticed that I had control of it again. If I wanted to beat to a woman again I could. If I wanted to beat to a nigga then I could do that too…but I’ll never forget how it felt in the beginning and I believe that this is what Terrell was going through at this moment.
“What are you trying to do to me? Are you tryna turn me gay? Why do I feel like this? Why do I like it? What the fuck man? Terrell said as he got up from the bed and went to the bathroom and showered.
By now I’m up and outta bed and straightening shit up and everything! I start to think to myself and run the questions through my mind. For a second I actually felt slightly guilty as if I had actually done something wrong. But I quickly came to my senses and realized that I had done nothing wrong and that I was gonna fix this shit when he came out of the bathroom. I heard the shower turn off and I could hear him drying off. I had neatly placed all of his clothes at the edge of the bed for him and by now I’m in the kitchen cookin breakfast (for me of course cuz I didn’t expect this nigga to stay around long after the shit he said before he went in!)
Fully clothed he walked into the kitchen and shakes my hand into a hug and tells me he’s about to go. He appeared to be calm and less angry. He grabbed his camera and walked out the door.
At this moment I didn’t know whether to be happy, sad, glad, mad, confused, or just completely over the entire situation. I figured I would finish eating and get ready to shower and go to church myself. I had to get my mind right because yep as you all may have guessed it….I’m the minister of music (M.O.M) of my church so I can’t go up in there with all of this on my mind…aint no telling what they would get from me. So after I finished eating, had the shower water running, and laid my clothes out on the bed, I get a text on my phone. It was from Terrell and it read…
“Thank you for everything, I’m not taking this out on you! I just have to figure some shit out! I’ll see you Thursday!
And I just sat on the bed, confused, sad, happy, mad, and glad that I would see him again.
SEE THE KINDA SHIT YOU GO THROUGH FOR WHAT WE THINK WE WANT??
“Yo I aint gay man” Terrell just blurted out of no where while we were laying in the bed.
I was silent, I didn’t know what to say…I mean I can understand where he’s coming from when I first really started fighting it myself. It takes me back to when I jacked off for the first time of my life and actually busted a nutt. It was crazy and it felt so good that it almost hurt. See I’ve always been an extremely explosive nutt buster since I started. I can still shoot across a room now if I’m hard enough! But I started off just jackin my dick for no reason…not even thinking about anyone or anything but just enjoying the feeling. Then I started putting faces and body parts to it and I remember the first time I beat my shit to a guy. It felt soooooooo good and I came soooooooo much that it blew my mind! But when I finished I felt so bad that I was thinking about another nigga. I remember saying why me and this aint me and all that kind of shit. It really hurt me to think that I would be an outkast and I would be that one that everybody talked about and laughed at and talked about. Even having all of those thoughts in my head it got to the point that I couldn’t finish a jack session unless I ended it with the thought of me and another dude together. I eventually accepted it and then embraced it and I noticed that I had control of it again. If I wanted to beat to a woman again I could. If I wanted to beat to a nigga then I could do that too…but I’ll never forget how it felt in the beginning and I believe that this is what Terrell was going through at this moment.
“What are you trying to do to me? Are you tryna turn me gay? Why do I feel like this? Why do I like it? What the fuck man? Terrell said as he got up from the bed and went to the bathroom and showered.
By now I’m up and outta bed and straightening shit up and everything! I start to think to myself and run the questions through my mind. For a second I actually felt slightly guilty as if I had actually done something wrong. But I quickly came to my senses and realized that I had done nothing wrong and that I was gonna fix this shit when he came out of the bathroom. I heard the shower turn off and I could hear him drying off. I had neatly placed all of his clothes at the edge of the bed for him and by now I’m in the kitchen cookin breakfast (for me of course cuz I didn’t expect this nigga to stay around long after the shit he said before he went in!)
Fully clothed he walked into the kitchen and shakes my hand into a hug and tells me he’s about to go. He appeared to be calm and less angry. He grabbed his camera and walked out the door.
At this moment I didn’t know whether to be happy, sad, glad, mad, confused, or just completely over the entire situation. I figured I would finish eating and get ready to shower and go to church myself. I had to get my mind right because yep as you all may have guessed it….I’m the minister of music (M.O.M) of my church so I can’t go up in there with all of this on my mind…aint no telling what they would get from me. So after I finished eating, had the shower water running, and laid my clothes out on the bed, I get a text on my phone. It was from Terrell and it read…
“Thank you for everything, I’m not taking this out on you! I just have to figure some shit out! I’ll see you Thursday!
And I just sat on the bed, confused, sad, happy, mad, and glad that I would see him again.
SEE THE KINDA SHIT YOU GO THROUGH FOR WHAT WE THINK WE WANT??
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